Goodbye Sweet Jonah

This will be brief; it is too hard to do much of anything right now.

Jonah was born around 12:50 this afternoon, kicking and screaming. His cry was so robust that the doctors thought it was just like that of a normal baby. At the initial assessment, the neonatologist thought that he was in the "gray area" and he may make it a few days. With that in mind, they brought him up to the NICU and tried several methods to get him enough breathing support. We even noticed a little pee, which was a huge surprise considering his condition.

It was not to be, however, as his oxygen levels kept dropping. We got to spend some quality time with him and our family, and the wonderful staff here at the hospital. As they told is would happen, we reached a point where we both knew it was time to let go and we had them withdraw the breathing support. He survived for a short time after that, going peacefully on to Heaven.

Although our hearts are filled with sadness, we are also proud of our son for being the fighter that he was. We really thought we would have had more time, considering that beautiful fight he put up, but the world was just a little too big for him.

I will post more later this week, and add pictures of our sweet Jonah.

John and Kelly

Jonah's Birth Day

A lot of people have commented throughout this long journey that they can not imagine what we are going through. I can understand the feeling. I have been on the other end of situations like this and it is a very painful experience that leaves you unable to find the right words to express such deep, and profoundly sad feelings. I can see it in the eyes of people that I barely know, and in people I have known for a long time. This whole situation stinks and we are all sharing the pain.

As the day approaches, I also find myself at a a loss to imagine what tomorrow is going to be like. I have spent, what seems like, an infinite amount of mental energy thinking about Jonah and what his life has been and what it will be after he is born. We have both reached a point in the process of both acceptance and denial. We accept the reality of who Jonah is, and what has happened up to this point. At the same time, we are both unable (or in my case, somewhat unwilling) to think about how we are going to feel after he is born. I hope my joy of being with him is not tainted with fear of what will come. I hope we can keep him comfortable for as long as he is with us. I hope he can feel how much we love him.

Today has been a low-key day for all of us; I am off work today and we spent the morning doing some final errands, laundry, and other tasks to get ourselves ready and keep our mind occupied. We have also spent some time trying to prepare Evan for tomorrow as well. It's definitely hit-or-miss with a 3 year old; sometimes the words stick and sometimes they bounce right off. Like any other kid his age, he is resilient and will probably be back to his old self quickly but it breaks our heart to see him sad. Hopefully he can retain some memories of his little brother, and we are going to have a professional photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep with us tomorrow, along with some keepsakes like the stuffed bear we made together at Build-A-Bear. Both of our children are a blessing, and we hope that whatever time they get together is joyous.

The plan for tomorrow is pretty simple. We are going to drop Evan off at my parents house in the morning and head to the hospital. The c-section is scheduled for 12:00 CDT so we need to be there by 9:45 to register and check in on the maternity floor. Then we get situated, Kelly gets prepped for surgery and we wait for the call. What comes next is out of our hands but we will be focused on comfort and love. If the unexpected happens, will go with it.

I can not make any promises about when I can update the blog over the next couple days, which I am sure you understand. Through the miracle of modern technology, I can send a text to Twitter (http://twitter.com/johnbcarlson) which will update my Facebook status (http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1076616604). If you are member of either, you can follow me there as I have made my updates public. I will try to get something out tomorrow but Saturday is probably the most likely.

John and Kelly