A lot of people have commented throughout this long journey that they can not imagine what we are going through. I can understand the feeling. I have been on the other end of situations like this and it is a very painful experience that leaves you unable to find the right words to express such deep, and profoundly sad feelings. I can see it in the eyes of people that I barely know, and in people I have known for a long time. This whole situation stinks and we are all sharing the pain.
As the day approaches, I also find myself at a a loss to imagine what tomorrow is going to be like. I have spent, what seems like, an infinite amount of mental energy thinking about Jonah and what his life has been and what it will be after he is born. We have both reached a point in the process of both acceptance and denial. We accept the reality of who Jonah is, and what has happened up to this point. At the same time, we are both unable (or in my case, somewhat unwilling) to think about how we are going to feel after he is born. I hope my joy of being with him is not tainted with fear of what will come. I hope we can keep him comfortable for as long as he is with us. I hope he can feel how much we love him.
Today has been a low-key day for all of us; I am off work today and we spent the morning doing some final errands, laundry, and other tasks to get ourselves ready and keep our mind occupied. We have also spent some time trying to prepare Evan for tomorrow as well. It's definitely hit-or-miss with a 3 year old; sometimes the words stick and sometimes they bounce right off. Like any other kid his age, he is resilient and will probably be back to his old self quickly but it breaks our heart to see him sad. Hopefully he can retain some memories of his little brother, and we are going to have a professional photographer from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep with us tomorrow, along with some keepsakes like the stuffed bear we made together at Build-A-Bear. Both of our children are a blessing, and we hope that whatever time they get together is joyous.
The plan for tomorrow is pretty simple. We are going to drop Evan off at my parents house in the morning and head to the hospital. The c-section is scheduled for 12:00 CDT so we need to be there by 9:45 to register and check in on the maternity floor. Then we get situated, Kelly gets prepped for surgery and we wait for the call. What comes next is out of our hands but we will be focused on comfort and love. If the unexpected happens, will go with it.
I can not make any promises about when I can update the blog over the next couple days, which I am sure you understand. Through the miracle of modern technology, I can send a text to Twitter (http://twitter.com/johnbcarlson) which will update my Facebook status (http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1076616604). If you are member of either, you can follow me there as I have made my updates public. I will try to get something out tomorrow but Saturday is probably the most likely.
John and Kelly
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Dear John and Kelly,
ReplyDeleteSo, I am going to take a stab at saying something when I don’t know if what I say can be comforting because I don’t really know what it is like to go through what your family has been going through….
I hear your point that it is tough to know what you will feel tomorrow because no matter how much you plan and people talk to you, there is so much unknown about how the situation will feel and what will happen. I think that not knowing how one will feel tomorrow, today, is probably a much larger truism that applies to all of us every day. But, the difference is that you have some idea what is coming and that it is something that you and all of us who know you very much don’t want to happen.
So, how does one feel joy in a situation where there is so much sadness? I don’t know. But I hope that you all do have some wonderful moments tomorrow when you welcome Jonah into the world. And I knowing what I do about you and Kelly (and the rest of the Wisconsin arm of the family), I am confident that you will find some ways to celebrate in Jonah’s life (albeit to short life). I look forward to hearing the happy and sad Jonah stories that will become part of our family’s history.
Welcome to the world, Jonah!
Love, Rachel
Dear John, Kelly, Evan, and Jonah. I too, don't know what to say but I do want you to know that my thoughts and prayers are with you during this very beautiful but difficult time. Just know that many people are thinking of you during this time and wish you lots of happiness and memories. Look forward to hearing the wonderful stories of your family addition, Jonah.
ReplyDeleteLots of Love, Lynn (Johnson) King and Family
Dear Heavenly Father,
ReplyDeleteWe lift this family up to you. I pray for peace and understanding at this time. I ask that the time that Jonah is on this earth is peaceful, memorable, and wonderful. We thank you for his parents and big brother. Please let them feel your presence tomorrow, Lord. We ask this in your name.
Amen
I will be lifting you all up in prayer throughout the day tomorrow.
Melanie (from Warner Park)
Just checking in on your website to see how you are doing. I have no idea who you are, and you don't know me. But take comfort in knowing that strangers are praying for you! May the Lord bless you in this difficult situation. And may you see the Lord at work in your lives. A quote that has helped me through my difficult times is, "If I knew what God knows now, I would choose what God is choosing for me." You're in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteJohn, Kelly and Evan you are so much in my prayers right now, I feel as if I've known you for yrs. When the only thing that brought us together was PUV. What a wonderful family yet with our meeting had to be in such a horrible situation. God bless Jonah.
ReplyDeleteThe one things that has been helping was annoymous quote that said " an Angel opened the book of life and wrote down your baby's birth. Then she closed the book and whispered "too beautiful for earth"