Life on a Yo-Yo

The most frequent question I have been asked recently is "How are you doing?" It's a tough one to answer, mostly because I usually have many different emotions going through me at the same time. As a result, I have a difficult time nailing down how I am feeling at any point and the answer is usually no more definitive than "OK," “hanging in there,” or "as best as I can." I did want to post this, however, to try to let you know how we are doing and what our life has been like lately.

Kelly is recovering from the surgery quite nicely, and is able to do more each day. It appears, thankfully, that she is on her way to a smooth recover from the c-section. The emotional part is obviously more complicated, but I will try to capture some of it here...

The last few weeks have been up and down but the three of us are doing OK overall. I like to relate how I feel throughout an average day to a yo-yo, moving up and down through emotions quickly instead of gradually ascending and descending like a roller coaster. Unfortunately it is one of those cheap yo-yos's that doesn't come all the way back up to your hand. It just goes from all the way down to the bottom of the string to about half-way back up to your hand and then back down again. In other words, we move between feeling sad and okay but we don’t get to the top and feel good or great.

Before Jonah was born, Kelly and I experienced a lot of anxiety so long stretches of sleep were hard to come by. Now, getting through each day feels like we’ve run the mental equivalent of a marathon. The only benefit of this is that we are now sleeping better at night, which always helps, and we take naps whenever the need arises. Evan has actually been sleeping a little better than normal and not waking up too often to got to the bathroom. He does bring up "baby Jonah" often and when he does, we take some time to talk to him about Jonah and show him pictures. I am a little surprised that he has retained this for as long as he has, but I am also hopeful that he can retain some memories of his little brother. Evan is a sweet kid with a big heart, and whenever we are sad, he gives us a big hug so that we will feel better. I am immensely grateful to have him around to distract and entertain us.

Also, I went back to work this week, going back half-time this week and then back full-time next week. The transition is a little strange, but I guess this is what one of the counselors meant when she said that we are now getting used to the "new normal," which is what our life is now without Jonah. Maybe we need to meet that yo-yo halfway in order to finally catch it.

Anyway, the blog still lives and we will continue to post when the mood strikes. Evan will surely be more prominent especially as he has become quite the little "Energizer Bunny" lately. It looks like spring is finally here in Wisconsin. Hopefully it will be a good one with lots of time outside.

-John and Kelly