Evan’s Little Brother

Today would have been Jonah’s two-month birthday. Things have been going okay but this morning was a struggle. Today was also Evan’s last day of preschool for the school year and after I dropped him off, I started thinking about how our lives have changed since September when school started. I was eight weeks pregnant so, by this time, I imagined that John and I would be adjusting to life with a newborn and Evan would be discovering the joys and hassles of a sibling. I never imagined that this school year would have been filled with anxiety, numerous ultrasounds, hospital stays, and the pain that no parent wants to experience.

I feel that we have worked through the intense grief that immediately followed Jonah’s death and life is feeling more okay. Not great or good, but okay. I’ve been trying so hard to look for the goodness in this situation and I’ve found some but I just can’t make peace with the fact that Evan has lost his sibling. When we first told Evan that he was going to have a little brother, he said, “I’m going to teach him EVERYTHING!” He was so excited and it’s just so hard for me to accept that their relationship will not be the one I envisioned. With Jonah’s death, someone lost a child, a grandchild, a nephew, or a future friend but it’s Evan’s loss that hits me the hardest. Perhaps it’s because I’m an only child and I wanted something different for him.

Some of John’s coworkers gave us a gift certificate for a greenhouse and we picked out a tree that was planted in our front yard two weeks ago. The tree has been a real comfort to us. We give it water each day and we’ll be able to watch it grow. I now understand why trees and gardening are so popular with the bereaved. Some of the women from my book group also donated a tree that will be planted in a park in our neighborhood. The tree will be located near the playground where Evan and Jonah would have spent time together.

From time to time, Evan will bring up the subject of Jonah by saying something like “can I go to the hospital and visit baby Jonah?” or “baby Jonah will never come home.” Our hearts break to hear him talk about his brother that way but we are still glad to have included him in Jonah’s life. Maybe he will be able to retain some memories, and maybe he won’t, but we will are all better people for having Jonah in our lives.

A Mom’s Random Thoughts

Today was a tough day because it was the one-month anniversary of Jonah’s birth and death. I spent the day thinking about how he would look. If he was like his brother, I imagine that he would be starting to fill out from the constant nursing and that he would be close to smiling. Evan smiled for the first time when he was five-weeks-old.

I feel conflicted about being around babies and “baby stuff.” I went to a department store today and as I walked past the infant section, I made a point of looking in the other direction. I just couldn’t stand to see all the cute little clothes that we don’t need. But as I was leaving the store, I walked past a woman carrying a bucket car seat with a blue blanket draped over it. I couldn’t stop myself from turning around to look at the baby. I had to know if he looked like a one-month-old, but I couldn’t tell because he was covered up…

We visited John’s brother and his family this weekend. At one point, I was talking to John’s brother about the contacts in his cell phone and he said he would list Evan as “favorite nephew.” I jokingly said “That’s because he’s your only nephew!” and as soon as I said it, I felt so guilty for denying Jonah’s existence. I realize that the simple question “How many children do you have?” is no longer easy to answer.

Last week, John and I attended a support group for bereaved parents who lost a child under the age of one. About ten families attended the meeting and everyone had an opportunity to tell their child’s story. As the first woman talked about her loss, I fought the urge to cross the room and hug her. But as the evening went on and more stories were shared, I realized that no amount of hugging could erase the sadness in that room. When it was our turn to speak, I offered to share our story. I started by saying, “We have a three-year-old son named Evan but the reason we’re here . . . “ and I completely lost it. Thank goodness John was by my side (how many times have I said that!) to take over and finish telling Jonah’s story. While the evening was emotionally grueling, I’m glad we attended the meeting. While Jonah is no longer with us physically, we keep him alive by talking about him and telling his story.

Happy one-month birthday, little dude!

Life on a Yo-Yo

The most frequent question I have been asked recently is "How are you doing?" It's a tough one to answer, mostly because I usually have many different emotions going through me at the same time. As a result, I have a difficult time nailing down how I am feeling at any point and the answer is usually no more definitive than "OK," “hanging in there,” or "as best as I can." I did want to post this, however, to try to let you know how we are doing and what our life has been like lately.

Kelly is recovering from the surgery quite nicely, and is able to do more each day. It appears, thankfully, that she is on her way to a smooth recover from the c-section. The emotional part is obviously more complicated, but I will try to capture some of it here...

The last few weeks have been up and down but the three of us are doing OK overall. I like to relate how I feel throughout an average day to a yo-yo, moving up and down through emotions quickly instead of gradually ascending and descending like a roller coaster. Unfortunately it is one of those cheap yo-yos's that doesn't come all the way back up to your hand. It just goes from all the way down to the bottom of the string to about half-way back up to your hand and then back down again. In other words, we move between feeling sad and okay but we don’t get to the top and feel good or great.

Before Jonah was born, Kelly and I experienced a lot of anxiety so long stretches of sleep were hard to come by. Now, getting through each day feels like we’ve run the mental equivalent of a marathon. The only benefit of this is that we are now sleeping better at night, which always helps, and we take naps whenever the need arises. Evan has actually been sleeping a little better than normal and not waking up too often to got to the bathroom. He does bring up "baby Jonah" often and when he does, we take some time to talk to him about Jonah and show him pictures. I am a little surprised that he has retained this for as long as he has, but I am also hopeful that he can retain some memories of his little brother. Evan is a sweet kid with a big heart, and whenever we are sad, he gives us a big hug so that we will feel better. I am immensely grateful to have him around to distract and entertain us.

Also, I went back to work this week, going back half-time this week and then back full-time next week. The transition is a little strange, but I guess this is what one of the counselors meant when she said that we are now getting used to the "new normal," which is what our life is now without Jonah. Maybe we need to meet that yo-yo halfway in order to finally catch it.

Anyway, the blog still lives and we will continue to post when the mood strikes. Evan will surely be more prominent especially as he has become quite the little "Energizer Bunny" lately. It looks like spring is finally here in Wisconsin. Hopefully it will be a good one with lots of time outside.

-John and Kelly